What Hurts The Most

Have y’all ever heard the Rascal Flatts song What Hurts the Most?

Man… what a true song that is.

I always thought it was so accurate when it says, “What hurts the most is being so close, having so much to say, and watching you walk away.” But honestly, it hurts even more when no matter how badly you want someone, no matter how badly you wish things could be different, you’re the one that has to walk away. No matter how badly you wish the timing could align, that they would do better, that they would choose you, or that you wouldn’t be put in the position to make that choice.

I’ve had to make that choice more times than I want to admit. I had to with my mom, my marriage, my family, and now with a dear friend… a choice that might have hurt more than all of them.

Some days I wish I could have had one more day with each of them before I knew I had to walk away. One more good day. One last goodbye to the version of them in my head that I had to let go of.

I know many of us have had to walk away from similar things and people. And I don’t think we talk enough about how brutal it is when you truly assess what is best for you and your life, and you realize the person, the job, the material thing, the influencer you idolize is actually hurting you. The food you love is what is preventing you from reaching your goals. The alcohol you turn to is why you lost your job. The scrolling at night is preventing you from feeling rested. When you truly have to walk away from something you love, something small or large, even when it’s hurting you, it cuts like a knife.

Things were different when I had to walk away for myself. Let’s be real, I never truly walked away when it was just me. I always gave people too many chances. If I’m being honest, I didn’t ever walk away from people I loved until I had babies.

What hurts the most is believing in people's goodness and potential to a fault. Believing that people can always change for the better, but who am I to decide what better is? The truth is, it isn’t fair for me to expect people to change just because I want them to, or because if I were in their shoes, I would do something differently. It isn’t fair to love someone based on who they could be while ignoring who they are. I’ve had to learn that loving people well also means accepting them as they are, not constantly living in the hope of what could be.

I have to stop falling in love with potential, and start living in the present.

When I started walking away from family, I started thinking about the way these people made me feel as a child, and I realized I never wanted my babies to feel the same. That was the moment something in me shifted. That was the moment I knew I couldn’t keep allowing certain things into my life, because now it wasn’t just about me anymore.

I walked away from my mom after giving her chance after chance, watching her relapse time and time again. I prayed for her. I let her meet her grandkids when she finally got into rehab for a month, and I don’t regret that. I wouldn’t change that for the world. Truly, that may be the only time she ever gets to see them, so I am grateful for that day.

It used to break me more than it does now, but sometimes I think the hard truth is this… sometimes acceptance is feeling numb. Realizing the mom I put on a pedestal as a child was actually a figment of my imagination is crazy. And unfortunately, now as an adult looking back on it, 90% of what I remember are the bad things that I once brushed past.

It’s funny how perspective changes when you really put people in the light. Shadows hide flaws. Shadows hide scars. But when you really think about what someone did, you can never put those memories back in the darkness.

I never knew what a trauma response was until a couple of years ago, when I realized the reason I don’t like summer is that I have an anxiety attack almost every time I get into a car that’s been sitting in the sun all day. I recently went into a sauna and realized that triggered it too. My mom still to this day has no idea I get reminded of the cause of that much too often.

I never realized how yelling makes me shut down. How being talked over makes me lose my words and go silent. Not because I have nothing to say, but because I have everything to say, and I feel like they’ll never listen. I never felt like communicating would make anything better; it would just make them more upset, no matter how hard I tried to just express my feelings, and it never came from a place of judgment or trying to inflict pain upon them, but I felt it was always seen that way. This came up a lot in my marriage, but started as a child, too scared to speak up when I got that sickening sensation in my stomach, when my heart would race, and my hands would shake, I would turn to music instead of addressing the person or the problem. Maybe that’s why I started writing music at 7 years old, and honestly, now saying that out loud, that is exactly why.

I take irritation as a personal attack. I say I’m sorry more often than I should because I feel like a burden. I would do anything to not hurt someone I love. And I always stay just a little too long, hoping the outcome will be different.

I have a lot to work on as a person, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, physically… all the way around. Every day, I am trying to just make one better choice for my life and these beautiful babies.

Coming from someone who always loved group gatherings and lots of people, and avoided confrontation at all costs, life lately has been painfully brutal. It has been full of hard conversations. Hard conversations the little girl in me would have never had the guts have. Kaitlyn, before kids wouldn’t have. But Kaitlyn, as a mom, has to make hard choices on a daily basis. Choices that someday won’t be as hard, they may not even phase me, but at this moment they feel heavy.

I have to choose not to speak to my mom because she put my family in danger. I had to leave my marriage because it made me weak, and I lost more of myself than I ever thought possible. I had to break contact with family members who belittled me behind closed doors and faked a smile to my face.

And I had to walk away from one of my favorite people to share my day with, because it wouldn’t be fair to either of us in the long run.

In all of these situations, I stayed a little too long. But as I get older, and as I strive to do better every day, I believe it will slowly hurt less. I might be building the walls a little higher now, because I have precious cargo inside the castle.

Everything I do is for these babies. And although my heart is shattered, I know someday it won’t be. Boundaries and hard conversations will get easier. There will be less pain, because I won’t stay too long waiting and hoping for change. I won’t keep holding onto people as if I can love them into becoming who I need them to be.

Somehow, I still have to be me. Still be there for everyone and love them the only way I know how. But building the wall a little higher to protect my heart is something I would choose every day over giving it to someone who will break it without even trying.

People can only hurt you as much as you let them.

I want to strive to still be me, but to really think before letting people in. This isn’t to say I don’t love every single person I’ve had to walk away from, because I do. I always will. But I have to protect my littles, and in doing what’s best for them, they are teaching me how to do what’s best for me.

They deserve a mama that is fully present, physically and mentally. A mama that can teach them about boundaries, and having to walk away from things that don’t feel right. And sometimes, oftentimes, it isn’t forever… but it is for now.

I believe God brings people into your life for a reason. I believe nothing is an accident, and I find peace in knowing everything has a purpose. I have immensely grown as an individual from the people and experiences that led me to where I’m at today.

There was a time my dad and I had to take a break, and now I wouldn’t change the relationship we have for the world. Some things are not forever and some things are, but we can’t spend every day trying to figure out if it will be forever or not. Only God knows. Only God knows if that relationship will heal, and only God knows if you and that person will reunite someday.

I’m challenging myself, truly challenging myself, to give it more to God. Not just people… but information as well.

Everything happening in the world right now has been making me physically sick, and I know I’m not alone in that. It has become really hard for me to walk away from it. I’ve been battling if I want to know more, if it makes me a coward to shield my eyes, but what I’ve realized is this: I don’t need to know everything that is going to put my heart and mind in a terrible place.

It’s good to be informed, but when it’s taking such a hit to my spirit, I have to give it to God. I can’t carry everything, and I can’t fix everything. Sometimes the healthiest thing I can do is step away and protect my heart, understanding how terrible things are, but also seeing that there is so much good going on in this life that I don’t want to miss. I have 2 beautiful babies I am holding extra tight tonight, praying for everyone affected by everything going on in this world, and being ever so grateful I get to tuck them in and kiss their sleepy foreheads.

I’m trying to turn to God now more than ever, and I’m trying to find answers in His Word. I’m finding that if you look hard enough, the answers are all there. You are never truly alone, no matter how lonely it gets.

There will be a day that I say no right off the bat instead of yes, even if I really want to. And there will also be another time that I stay a little too long, even though I hoped I wouldn’t. I’m human, and we all have our days and make our mistakes, but what matters is how we move forward.

I love people to a fault. It might be my favorite and least favorite thing about myself sometimes, but at least I recognize it. I would rather love someone more than I should have, believe in them more than I should have, support them more than I should have, than to have never loved at all.

But all this being said, we need to learn how to walk past what is not good for us so it takes away the option. We need to choose ourselves to the point that the temptation isn’t there, so that we can walk past it before we put ourselves in a place where we have to walk away from it. And we will get there, but that’s the beauty in wisdom, that’s the beauty in time. And although what hurts the most sometimes is having to walk away, every time you walk away from something that isn’t right for you right now, it points you in the direction of what is.

Thank you for being here,

Kaitlyn